How to forgive the betrayal of a loved one?
The beginning of a close relationship is candy, bouquets, passion, breath in unison, a feeling of infinity of love. It seems that it will always be so. However, sometimes the expectations are shattered by an instant-action bomb - the betrayal of a loved one.
What to do? How to live on? How to forgive treason? Is it possible? To answer these questions, try to deal with the nature of treason.
Why men change
The causes of male adultery are many, however, they boil down to two global ones:
lack of sex;
Male treason, the cause of which is the lack of sex, happens in ninety percent of cases. This happens due to different temperaments of partners. For example, if a man needs intimacy twice a day, and a woman only needs a couple of times a week, such relationships are almost always subjected to the test of male betrayal.
In family life, a woman gets tired at work, cares for children, cooks food, cleans, launders. Performs a bunch of other duties.In the evenings, she, like Uncle Fyodor’s mother’s from the cartoon, “barely have the strength to watch TV”. And there is no time and desire to take care of yourself at home: a washed-up robe, hair curlers, no makeup. A man loves his eyes, wants sex. You can understand a woman, understand by the mind (brain), but who said that men think only by the brain?
Deceived women ask: “Why do men change? What are they missing? "
She is so attractive, loved, understanding, sexy, always ready for a close relationship. And he dared to change. But often not all of this list refers to a deceived woman. And something is not difficult to guess what, her chosen one is clearly not enough.
Treason due to boredom happens because people do not work on their inner spiritual development, it seems to them that happiness is somewhere nearby, I want thrills. Here they are trying to grab the tail, and in our case, for other parts of the body, a bird of luck. And they do it by self-affirmation at the expense of sex.
Boredom arises from ordinariness, lack of diversity in sexual life. The partner is dear as a person, the man is not going to stop the relationship with her.
Some representatives of the stronger sex identify themselves with males, believe that they are polygamous. Having a connection on the side is a common thing for them, not causing a feeling of guilt and painful self-flagellation that is devouring from within.
Why change women
Women are not so simple. Treason of a wife or girlfriend is sometimes a balm for her, capable of filling the spiritual emptiness. Female treason is rarely spontaneous. More often the decision to change matures from:
desire to feel like a woman;
feel the beauty of male care, attention, romance, which a constant companion of life forgets, oh, how often.
Dissatisfaction with a partner grows, again due to the difference in temperaments. It happens that with long-term relationships, the opposite situation occurs. Phlegmatic man is ready to be content with not too frequent sessions of intimate intimacy with his beloved. Computer games, beer, watching football matches on TV bring him much more pleasure. He does not care about the appearance of the abdomen, bald patches, fume, coupled with the "flavor" of dried fish consumed with beer.A woman wants love, romance, and here comes the moment X - treason.
You want to feel like a woman in a situation when you have to take everything on your own fragile shoulders: household chores, making money, raising children, making decisions. In such a situation, betrayal occurs when a fan appears in her life, who easily solves problems, takes responsibility.
After the relationship ends the period of "pink hearts" and beautiful courtship, the attendant attributes go away. Surprises, romantic walks under the moon, compliments, bouquets, tender sms remain in the past. Thoughts about taking care that the beloved was dressed for the weather, fully fed, rested, a man has not appeared for a long time. And then a romantic, caring, handsome admirer appears on the horizon. He gives flowers, whispers gentle speeches, surrounds with romance and care ... In general, the outcome is clear.
There are more extremes, which also often occur, apply to both men and women:
treason for promotion;
betrayal as revenge.
Should I forgive treason
Forgive the betrayal of a loved one is one thing, but restoring a former relationship is another. And if the first must be done, the second depends on a number of circumstances and is not always appropriate.
Why is it worth forgiving treason:
only by getting rid of the oppression of unforgiveness, you can objectively look at the situation and make the right decision about further actions;
there is a parable about a bag of rotten potatoes, so each offense (inability to forgive) is a potato that rots, and we carry it in a bag behind our back;
It is impossible to build new harmonious relations, bringing with them stones of unforgiven offenses, they will always cause fear of a repetition of the situation
sometimes a person confuses forgiveness and oblivion, to forgive is not to forget and resume a relationship, to forgive is to free oneself from an unbearable burden;
another common misconception: to forgive treason is to allow trampling, betraying, humiliating. This is not so: your feelings are already trampled, betrayed, humiliated, and having forgiven treason, you will be cleansed from within.
How to forgive treason, advice of psychologists
It is easy to talk about forgiveness, and if it does not work, if the bitterness of resentment is stronger than all the other feelings? How to forgive treason? Psychologist advice will help:
man changes his body, and forgives the heart.Forgiveness will not come immediately, time is needed. It will help change the usual situation, for example, a trip to another city, country;
analyze the causes of betrayal, no matter how difficult and painful it is, turn on your mind: how have you drawn a similar situation into your life?
maybe you also changed, and now you are confronted with something similar to yourself, remember the justifying thoughts that you have visited, apply them to your “sinful” partner;
treason is a mistake, and not a single person is immune from mistakes; it just so happens in society that treason is perceived more painfully than other blunders;
the inability to forgive - in fact, hypertrophied self-pity, feeling like a victim, forgive - means saying goodbye to the clothing of the victim;
treason occurs physically, and forgiveness is a spiritual act, learn from it, work on the inner world: someone can be helped by prayer, confession, reading the subject literature, and someone gets help by turning to a psychologist.
Forgiveness is necessary, first of all, for yourself. In order to control their feelings and manage them. Anger, hate insult govern a person, do not allow to breathe freely, paralyze.
Write on the paper grievances, something for which you can not forgive a loved one. Write next to each item - I forgive. It is difficult, but it must be done. To live on, breathe freely, think.
As soon as the idea of resentment arises - block it, replace it with the thought of forgiveness.
Psychologists offer people who survived treason, choose the worst scenario. Only you need to mentally rewind the tape of life events in that period when you were happy with your partner, and no one thought about any change. The answer to the question will help to think and look with different eyes on the fact of betrayal.
Imagine your favorite person:
becomes a drug addict or alcoholic;
turns into an avid player, loses property, gets into debt;
falls sick with a deadly disease;
commits a crime and goes to prison;
it changes to you.
Such a hard brainstorm shows that betrayal, it turns out, is not the worst scenario. At least, there are ways to return, which in other variants are practically excluded.
Relationship after treason
When it turned out to be forgiven, the question arises whether it is worth renewing the relationship after treason? It's up to you. To make the right decision, let's go from the opposite, consider the options when restoring relations is out of the question:
when the decision to be together is not made for the sake of relations, but for the sake of money, children, parents and other "significant" factors. Such a union will not exist for a long time, children grow up, money loses its value, parents change their views, and life passes in the meantime;
if there is no more mutual love. To understand whether there is love on your part, listen to your heart, and whether your partner loves you, you can understand by your actions;
if the changed “second half” is not a big deal and claims to resume the relationship, for him or her it is not important;
if once they have already forgiven, they renewed the relationship, but the betrayal was repeated;
when, despite the efforts, it was not possible to forgive, in no case do you need to continue the relationship, they are tortured.
Is man still loved and loved?
How to prevent cheating
Easier to prevent than to cure. So it is here. Consider the universal moments, allowing to understand how to prevent the betrayal of a loved one.
The construction of any relationship is a work, only in the beginning everything goes smoothly.The beginning of the relationship is still filled with passion, euphoria, which help develop the alliance of two people on autopilot. And already at this stage it is necessary to direct them along that way of mutual trust, understanding, on which the probability of occurrence of changes is reduced to zero. The main thing is that these rules be understood and accepted by both partners:
for the quality of relations in a pair meet both, most importantly, be partners, not just lovers or accidentally turned out to be a man and a woman;
the basis of harmonious relations is sincerity, there is no place for play, acting, provocation, manipulation, and coercion to the desired behavior;
it is important to recreate the mutual ability to sincerely rejoice at the success of a loved one, to want to see him happy;
learn not to turn a blind eye to mistakes and mistakes of a partner, but to understand their true reason;
to be able to recognize our own mistakes, to understand that our behavior can not only please, but also hurt a loved one;
to reckon with a loved one, and in no case do not compete;
To build such a trusting, harmonious relationship - communicate with your loved one. It is useful to arrange "hours of revelations."At the beginning of a relationship, it is easy to do; the lovers talk incessantly, often in private, telling about secret dreams and desires.
The longer the relationship lasts, the less often partners talk heart to heart. It is not uncommon that a husband and wife who have been married for many years find it difficult to find a topic for conversation, apart from discussing everyday problems of everyday life.
Talk about what worries, causes anxiety, what inspires a partner. Understand the inner world of each other. And it must be done constantly. Do not wait until there is a thunder out of the blue, called treason, then to accuse your partner of all serious, while biting your elbows and forgetting that none of you worked on the relationship.